"Hunger Games" Casting Mania! (part one)

I recently got around to reading Suzanne Collins’s Hunger Games Trilogy and thought it was damn good. She knows how to tell a gripping story, that’s for sure; I had to read each book in one sitting. The adventures of Katniss Everdeen, a girl forced to compete in televised bloodsports in a dystopian future, have captured people’s imaginations all over the world and proved a wonderful antidote to the dreary romantic sludge of Twilight. To any young women who might read this, let me assure you that the steely, resourceful Katniss makes a much better role model than mopey Bella Swann and her dependence on clingy, borderline-abusive vampire men. I’m hoping you’re smart and knew that already.

Needless to say, The Hunger Games is being made into a movie series. Also needless to say, I and many, many others are waiting with bated breath to see if they fuck it all up. Casting will be key, as The Hunger Games is hugely character driven. All manner of candidates have been bandied about. Now that they’ve actually begun casting, I’m going to keep this blog updated with each new role and what I think about the choice of actor.

To begin...

The Role: Katniss Everdeen, the heroine and narrator. A sixteen-year-old from District 12 (a poor, coal-mining slum in what used to be Appalachia), Katniss illegally hunts and forages to feed her mother and sister. When the latter is picked to be in the titular annual killfest, Katniss volunteers to go in her place. Over the trilogy, she becomes Public Enemy No. 1 of the ruthless Capitol, winds up a pawn of the resistance movement, and (of course) is torn between two hot guys. It’s much less insufferable than Twilight, however. Good thing they cast Katniss first, because the entire story is literally seen through her eyes.

The Actress: Jennifer Lawrence, recent recipient of a Oscar nomination for Winter’s Bone, in which she plays -- get this -- a steely, resourceful teen girl from Appalachia who’s in charge of providing for her family. How convenient!

My Approval Rating: 7.5 out of 10. The angry voices of the fans are raised, crying, “Too old!” Lawrence is 20, which isn’t that much older, but still. Also, she’s blonde and lovely while Katniss is skinny, dark-haired, dusky-skinned, and tomboyish. However, I’m willing to give Lawrence the benefit of the doubt; she’s proven she can act, and seems smart enough to throw herself into the role. Dye the hair, lose the curves, learn archery, and she’ll make a proper Katniss. And after all, adults have been playing teens in movies since time immemorial. I’ll support Lawrence, though I’m curious to see how she handles the upcoming X-Men prequel, in which she plays young Mystique, i.e., young Rebecca Romijin, i.e., a total sex bomb. Can she do blockbusters? We shall see. But I’m hopeful.

Who I Would Have Picked: Jodelle Ferland or Saoirse Ronan, both of whom are actually sixteen. I heard Ferland was campaigning for the role, and the thing is, she looks a lot like Katniss already. And I thought she was good in Silent Hill. Her problem is that she was also in the Twilight franchise, which damns her in the eyes of Hunger Games fans. I gotta admit, I think it would’ve been kinda hilarious to rouse their ire by casting her. As for Ronan, she’s also got the Oscar nom, but has the issue of A) being Irish and B) having light hair, creamy skin, and pale blue eyes. It’d take a helluva makeover to turn her into Katniss, but I’m confident she would have pulled it off. Oh, well. Maybe one of these girls can snag a different Hunger Games role.

Stay tuned for more casting news! I’m biting my nails over the two male leads, Peeta and Gale. I swear to God, if they fucking cast that buffalo-faced lunkhead, Alex Pettyfer, I will throw such a tantrum.

Top 10 Video Games (old)

This is the very first video game list I did, back at the end of 2008. Since then I've played many other games, which means that this list would change if I rewrote it from scratch. But I don't wanna, so pretend it's still 2008, or just look at my "Favorite Games" lists from '09 and '10.

DANG-BLASTED'S TOP 10 FAVORITE VIDEO GAMES


10. Donkey Kong Land 2 (Gameboy)
Not Donkey Kong Country 2, but its Gameboy counterpart. I loved my Gameboy; it was my first-ever console. There were some great games to be had for that little handheld brick, but DKL2 was the first one that made me go, “Whoa.” The pre-rendered graphics of the DK series looked awesome on a Gameboy screen as well as on an SNES, and the gameplay itself was so weird and interesting! Pirate ships, and roller coasters, and you could turn into a spider, and there was a whole secret world to unlock, and, and....I could go on and on. And I haven’t even mentioned the extremely awesome music, or Dixie Kong’s ponytail twirl, which was like the most useful move ever. (Seriously, did anyone EVER play as Diddy?) The first DK was okay but too short, the third one sucked, but this middle child was freaking neat. Now that I have an SNES emulator, I really should find Donkey Kong Country 2. Because if it was this good on a mere Gameboy, just imagine....


9. Riven (PC/Mac)
I love the Myst series because it combines gorgeous visuals, mind-bending puzzles, and pacifism -- three things I can’t get enough of. It’s hard to pick my fave. The first Myst has grown dated, plus I can beat it in like forty-five minutes. Myst 3 was too short and too easy. Myst 4, while probably the best-looking entry, had a rather forced plot, bad dialogue, and jumped the shark at around the time Peter Gabriel started mumbling to you about spirit guides. And I hear Myst 5 is pure shit. That leaves Riven, an amazing sequel whose graphics are still eye-popping today, whose puzzles are pure genius and evil in the best kind of way, and which feels like an actual fleshed-out story rather than a series of episodes. It’s the only Myst game to be set entirely in one world, a world so real you can smell it. Everything flows smoothly, all elements connect, and solving that damn spinning dome puzzle is way more satisfying than shooting dudes in the woods. Sorry, Solid Snake.


8. Worms Armageddon (N64)
I said I enjoy pacifism, but comic violence is just fine. Nothing, but nothing, relieves stress like commanding little cartoon worms to blow the living fuckadoo out of each other. This game is absolutely nuts and utterly addicting. Swinging on ninja ropes, flinging explosive bananas and sheep and giant cement donkeys, screaming with rage when your worms wind up in the drink (“Oy! Nutter!”), cackling as you obliterate half the map with a Holy Hand Grenade, getting some friends and staging an invertebrate World War.....I love it, I love it, I love it. It makes me laugh and be happy. And there’s tons of actual strategy involved! You have to think fast, improvise, plan in advance, and alter your plans constantly as the very landscape is methodically blown to pieces around you. There are tons of games like this, but none of them have the same energy, absurdity, and all-around awesomeness as Worms Armageddon. Not in my opinion, anyway.


7. Banjo-Kazooie (N64)
Is it a run-of-the-mill Donkey Kong knockoff churned out during the glut of cartoony 3D platform games that swamped the market in the wake of Super Mario 64? Probably. But it puts a big grin on my face nevertheless. This bizarre, off-color odyssey, in which a cheerful bear and a cranky bird team up to battle an evil witch, is perfect fodder for a young furry-to-be and never fails to charm me. Like many games of my childhood, it now seems way too easy, but it sure as hell wasn’t way back when! And that damn Rusty Bucket Bay STILL makes me grind my teeth. But Banjo-Kazooie had real character and a great sense of humor to it, and since all gamers are nostalgic by nature, I suspect that no one will ever forget about it entirely. Forget that “Nuts & Bolts” travesty on the Xbox, kids -- Banjo and Kazooie used to bat for Nintendo, and they rocked.


6. Final Fantasy XII (PS2)
Shut up, okay? I’m still new to the franchise! The only FF games I’ve played in any depth are IV, X, and XII. I will get to the others eventually, and probably love them to death. However, in terms of enjoyment and immersion, FFXII narrowly edges out FFX as my favorite Final Fantasy entry thus far. Purists will whine about how they eliminated random encounters and made the game play like an MMORPG, or how they copypasted the world from FF Tactics rather than coming up with something new, but I really don’t care. FFXII has most of the best elements of an MMORPG (massive, nonlinear world; oodles of sidequesting) without the drain on your real life. I’ve spent somewhere in the ballpark of 150 hours playing it, and still haven’t made it to the end. Few games can hold my interest for that long. It’s gorgeous, it’s fun, it has dinosaurs, and I will defend it with my honor....at least until I start playing FFVI. Or FFVII. Or....never mind.


5. Conker’s Bad Fur Day (N64)
I still can’t believe they got away with it. He’s a cute little squirrel in an R-rated world of bathroom humor, gratuitous gore, movie references, and drunken pissing contests. Conker is the antidote to all the aforementioned cartoony 3D platform games, and the thing is, he’s better than the rest! The entire game was context-sensitive and everything you did was plot-driven, as opposed to most platform games, which are just massive scavenger hunts. Conker’s BFD ain’t perfect (the War Zone sequence sucks and goes on forever), but it was seriously ahead of its time. Damn you, Indigo Prophecy! Damn you for destroying context-sensitive gameplay! We could’ve had an entire franchise based around a foul-mouthed British rodent with a hot girlfriend who hits things with a frying pan! But NOOOOOO. Sigh.


4. Okami (PS2 and Wii)
A game this good was guaranteed to fail. Too bad, ’cause few games are this original or beautiful. You probably know the premise, but just to remind folks: you play as the Japanese goddess Amaterasu, in the form of a wolf, vanquishing demons from the land. The graphics are amazing, like an oil painting come to life. The gameplay is innovative and fun, revolving around a “celestial brush” that allows you to affect your surroundings with divine calligraphy. Apart from that, it’s an awful lot like the Zelda games, but since the Zelda games are supposedly really good, what’s the issue? Even without the hours of sidequesting, I could waste the day just running around enjoying the art design. Plus the game has aliens. It’s set in Japanese mythology....and it has aliens. There is no way it could be any cooler.


3. Yoshi’s Island (SNES)
Squeeeeee! I’m replaying it while writing this, and it’s just as great. I love how every now and then, they’re able to make a Mario game that successfully attempts something new and different (see also: Super Mario RPG and the Paper Mario series). With Baby Mario upon his back, the jolly green dinosaur-thing explores a series of quirky environments, eats bad guys, throws eggs, and is really cute all the time. I love the pastel graphics and unique gameplay, and even when the game is frustrating, I can roll with it because it’s so well-designed. As countless others have pointed out, Baby Mario is annoying as shit when you lose him and his piercing wails assault our ears. But I forgive the game for that one flaw. Thank you, Nintendo, for trying something different with the Mario franchise and producing such a winner! You managed to make a game that’s both adorable and badass.


2. Silent Hill 2 (PS2)
I’ve loved all the Silent Hill games (well, except the fourth one, obviously), but no other game apart from entry #1 on this list has sucked me in, creeped me out, and left me as satisfied as SH2. It’s the only game I’ve willingly played in one sitting. The story is so simple -- you’re just this sad guy pitifully searching for his dead wife -- and it’s all you need for a trip straight to hell by way of the abandoned, mist-shrouded town of Silent Hill, a place that preys on the mind and soul. What’s creepy isn’t that there are monsters, but that the hero is somehow creating them just by being there. Combine that with grimy, unsettling environments, a brilliant sound design, fucked-up supporting characters, amazing ambient music, and Pyramid Head, and you get a game that’s impossible to escape from even if you wanted to. Games don’t scare me very often, but SH2 fucked me up, man. And I loved every minute of it, from the dangling bodybags in the hospital to the corpse with my face to the flaming stairway. Playing this game is like eating a rich, full-course meal. That can rape and kill you.


1. Shadow of the Colossus (PS2)
With any luck, anyone who’s played this game can agree with me on how unique, atmospheric, and utterly wonderful it is to play. It’s a fantasy adventure that throws out most of the trappings -- lots of bad guys, a complex plot, weapons and items -- to focus on a young man, his horse, and sixteen titanic beings of flesh and stone that he is commanded to destroy in order to revive his dead lover. You are all alone in a massive, beautiful world. All is silent but for the howling of the wind. You can explore at will, hunting down the colossi and systematically engaging them in combat. Each dynamic battle is different, requiring patience, experimentation, and use of the surrounding environment to suss out your opponent’s weak spots. There is a deep element of tragedy to this game; the hero has suffered a great loss, but the colossi themselves are not evil, and there is something profoundly bitter about toppling each one. Bitter, but deeply satisfying at the same time. This game plays with your emotions and forces you out of the detached nihilism that normally goes with video gaming. It is haunting and sublime, flawed yet uplifting, and while it will scare away the macho, gun-blasting Xbox crowd, it’s a must for anyone who wants a smart, gorgeous, and provocative gaming experience. I absolutely love it and will return to it again and again until my PS2 gives out entirely. And then I’ll find it online. Because it’s worth it. Hell, this game was responsible for me buying the PS2 in the first place. It’s one of those games that redefine what’s possible.

Favorite Games of 2009 (old)

Did this back in the year of aught-nine, when things were different. Kids these days don't know how well they've got it, I tell ya. I should mention that these are my favorite games I FIRST PLAYED in 2009, not my favorite games RELEASED in 2009. In case you're easily confused.

DANG-BLASTED'S TOP VIDEO GAMES OF 2009


Chrono Trigger (SNES)
My ex-boyfriend introduced me to plenty of JRPGs, and you know.....this one may be my favorite. Not only is it colorful and gorgeous, not only does it rely upon a very cool and unique battle system, but the story is about the best story in any video game, ever. Time travel is a risky genre, but Chrono Trigger nails it with an epic tale that stretches across several time periods, sending the player careening from dinosaurs to knights in armor to postapocalyptic robots...and beyond. The story is jam packed with twists and turns that NOBODY would ever see coming, and it all fits together like an antique watch. Rich and satisfying, every moment of it. Shame that this didn’t spawn the same franchise as its cousin, Final Fantasy, because I’d be so happy if they were releasing Chrono Trigger 6: The Avocado of Time for the PS3 right now. Eh, maybe in an alternate universe.


Resident Evil 4 (GameCube, PS2, Wii, etc.)
What is it about this game that makes everyone love it? I barely have any interest in the RE franchise, or over-the-shoulder FPS’s, but.....fuck me, I loved the hell out of RE4. I think it has two big things going for it. One: a really well-designed game engine that works like a dream, including superior targeting, superior inventory, and a perfect difficulty curve. In other words, anyone can get the hang of playing it, but it offers a challenge to all. Two: the utterly retarded (in a good way) story about infected Spanish peasants and genetic parasites and all that jazz. Tongue planted firmly in cheek, the plot marches from one hilarious set piece to another. This game is FUNNY. And if you take out the NY, you get FUN, which this game also has in abundance. Not to mention replay value. Hell, I want to play it again right now. And, you know, Ashley wasn’t all THAT bad, people.

“Hellllllp! Leeeeeeeeeon!!!!”

Okay, maybe she was.


Sly 2: Band of Thieves (PS2)
I couldn’t decide which Ratchet & Clank game I liked best, but with the Sly Cooper franchise, it’s easy. Like the prime roast beef between two decent slices of bread, Sly 2 sits between Sly 1 (too short and linear) and Sly 3 (basically a glorified expansion pack for Sly 2). Sucker Punch Productions has my attention for how well they handled a stealth-based game and moved it seamlessly into a sandbox environment before every single fucking game had a sandbox environment. Yes, I get off on bounding across rooftops and picking pockets as a sexy raccoon thief, but such activities are honestly such fun that I could do it for hours. When the actual gameplay missions kick in, they offer an endlessly diverting series of challenges that never drag the game down. The pulpy, 1920s-style presentation of the story works great, and if you get sick of playing as Sly, there’s always his sidekicks, the face-bashing one and the bomb-planting one. But you will never get sick of playing as Sly, trust me. THAT is gaming done right.


World of Goo (PC/Mac)
I cannot say it enough: I ADORE this game. It is the sort of game where, once I start playing it, it’s near impossible to stop. Relying upon an endearing and quirky aesthetic and an incredible physics engine, this little puzzle opus works the gray matter in an almost sexual way, as you work in tandem with the laws of gravity and architecture to help cute little slimeballs reach their goal. I have no idea what’s actually going on in this game, story-wise, but you know what? More games could use a little surreal weirdness. (In fact, the three games I just listed have a good dose of it as well, hence my enjoyment of them.) I am praying they make a sequel to World of Goo, possibly entitled Galaxy of Goo. Because, no matter how many hours one can spend playing with goo that bounces, connects, drips, sticks, explodes, flies, and hacks computers, it’s not enough. Not nearly enough. The goo has me! Bow to the goo!

Top 10 Video Game Levels

One thing that seems to be vanishing from video games is the concept of “levels.” Mainstream games have moved from progressing through a series of linear, isolated environments to embracing open-world sandbox gameplay, which is sort of good and sort of bad. Yeah, there’s something to be said for a game where you can explore everywhere at will, but I hope that doesn’t completely steamroll the old-fashioned level structure, because who wants to play a game where every area you visit looks the same? I don’t. Sorry, Modern Warfare, but I’d rather skip merrily around a series of outlandishly different in-game zones than trudge wearily from one identical colorless environment to another. Growing up with 2D and 3D platform games, I was big on levels, or worlds, or whatever you want to call them. In honor of that, I’m going to give you my all-time favorite levels, worlds, zones, stages, and areas in games I’ve played. These locations all managed to wow me with their uniqueness, their visual beauty, their innovation, their immersive ambiance, their entertainment value, or some combination of the above. Here are...

DANG-BLASTED’S TOP TEN FAVORITE VIDEO GAME LEVELS/WORLDS/AREAS

(Note: This list was written in 2009. I’d probably change/update it if I had to rewrite it today, but it’s still good as it is.)


Amateria (Myst 3: Exile, PC/Mac)
With its pre-rendered landscapes and open-ended concept (you write world in book; world becomes real), the Myst franchise always leads the pack when it comes to gorgeous and unique levels. Case in point: the Amateria Age from the third game, in which you are deposited onto a beautiful island composed of hexagonal stone columns and vaguely Oriental architecture. Amateria’s puzzles are seriously cool and all fit together like a giant pressure lock, as you manipulate energy marbles through a series of pathways and obstacles. The entire world is one big puzzle, and a top-notch one at that. And did I mention how lovely it is? You can almost smell the salty air. Yeah, it’s very linear, but I’ll take a one-way path through photorealistic environments over a free-roaming adventure with crude, sub-WoW graphics (FUCK you, Myst 5). Amateria was achingly creative and deeply satisfying: solve the giant marble run and you get to ride through it yourself, sealed inside a marble. Best...reward....ever.



Anything with Brambles (Donkey Kong Country 2, SNES)
Speaking of pre-rendered graphics, I’ve always been a fan of the shiny, Matel-on-crack environments from the original Donkey Kong series, and my favorites have to be the bramble levels from DK Country 2. They were an absolute bitch to play -- pretty much every solid surface could kill you -- but just look at them! An endless, tangled maze of giant thorns stretching away in all directions. Surreal, dreamlike, as if you stood in the dark heart of Mother Nature. With the aid of barrel cannons or your friend, Squawks the parrot, you could ascend to the very heights of this lethal Eden, emerging victorious from the thorny womb. And then...there was the music. Stickerbrush Symphony, people. One of the greatest pieces of video game music ever, and half the reason I love the DKC2 bramble levels so much. The music plus the visuals plus the challenge equals ambient gamer nirvana.


Black Velvetopia (Psychonauts, PS2/Xbox)
Welcome to Spain! That is, Spain as imagined by a hopeless romantic with artistic passion and a serious screw loose. Every environment from Psychonauts is wonderfully imagined and realized, but the true visual fireworks come when you leap into the mind of frustrated painter Edgar Teglee and find yourself navigating narrow, neon-lit streets where lovely señoras wave from the windows and giant playing cards form a tower to the sky. This level was absolutely fucking gorgeous and I want to hug Tim Schafer for exploring the concept of an environment that is literally a painting come to life. Not only is it lovely, it’s funny, too, poking fun at Spanish clichés as you battle goofy luchadors and receive advice from a series of talking dogs in sombreros. Do the dogs play poker? Of course they do! Perhaps weirdest of all is that fact that the whole level is an idealized hallucination born from a neurotic dude’s traumatic memories of high school. Brilliant. Psychological healing doesn’t get any more engrossing than this.


Castle Salazar (Resident Evil 4, Gamecube/PS2/Wii)
Welcome to Spain....again! Okay, so you’ve spent some hours roaming the desolate countryside and you’re getting rather sick of angry backwoods peasants. Suddenly, looming on the horizon is this massive stone edifice, a monument to classical European decadence. What follows is survival horror gold. Ruled by a squeaky-voiced midget in a Napoleon hat and crammed full of chanting, heavily tattooed religious cultists, Castle Salazar takes everything that’s ever been good about the Resident Evil games and throws it in a glorious blender. It’s fun to look at, it’s challenging and awesome to play through, it’s absolutely hilarious at times (giant walking statue, lol) and terrifying at other times (stalked by invisible man-insects, EEK). In other words, it personifies the campy, old-school horror feel of RE4. Yeah, there’s one shitty thing about the castle, and her name is Ashley Graham. Dodging zombie suits of armor as the helpless teenage twat...not fun. But that doesn’t make me love the opulent, tongue-in-cheek killfest of Castle Salazar any less.


The Forbidden Land (Shadow of the Colossus, PS2)
This is the one entry on my list that encompasses the entire game, and it totally deserves to be here for the sheer hours I’ve spent in it. Shadow of the Colossus takes place wholly in the Forbidden Land, a desolate peninsula long abandoned by humankind and accessible only by a miles-long bridge leading to a massive temple. You must explore this haunted place, its ruined cities and deep canyons, its forest glades, caves, deserts, and cliffs, to find and defeat the sixteen colossi. I’m always amazed by how serene the world is. No people, nothing to fight or kill other than the colossi, just the howl of the wind and the cry of distant birds. The graphics are so-so with a lot of unfortunate bloom effects, but that doesn’t really distract from the incredible ambiance. There are many locations in the Forbidden Land that have no real purpose beyond being a quiet little secret spot for you to find. It’s not for the impatient gamer, but for people like me who value atmosphere, it’s a video game world that’s a dreamy delight to get lost in.


Gruntilda’s Lair (Banjo-Kazooie, N64)
Ahhh, the overworld -- the hub from which every other area of the game is gradually unlocked. All the older 3D platform games had one, and my favorite is a labyrinthine cave complex owned by an evil witch with insecurity issues. Many overworlds simply exist for the sake of convenience, but Gruntilda’s Lair had real personality and was just as challenging to explore as the levels themselves. It was huge, for one thing, and filled with hidden nooks and crannies. To access a level, you had to find both the level entrance and the magic jigsaw puzzle that unlocked it, and there was plenty more to discover as well. I found it genuinely rewarding to uncover more and more of the place, and since Gruntilda the witch was so vain, her lair was filled with various images of herself, leering at you from all sides and never letting you forget who you were up against. In terms of creative world-building, this may have been Rare’s shining moment before they betrayed Nintendo and turned to shit. Sigh.


Kingdom of Zeal (Chrono Trigger, SNES)
It comes out of nowhere. Well into the time-hopping adventure of Chrono Trigger, you’ve already visited a medieval kingdom, a postapocalyptic wasteland, and a prehistoric paradise. You assume you’ve seen it all. Then the game suddenly plunks you down twelve thousand years in the past, during an ice age when the human race had divided into two societies: a highly advanced, arrogant group of scholars who lived on islands in the sky, and a ragged tribe of wretches clinging to life on the snowy planet’s surface. H.G. Wells would so approve! The contrast between icebound desolation and vibrant, golden sky-islands was visually striking and utilized the color palette of the SNES to the max. It was about as beautiful as video game graphics could get for its time, and the addition of this unexpected chapter to the complex Chrono Trigger plot made everything far more fascinating. What could be more tragic than a Utopian society that doesn’t know they’re doomed to be erased from history? Not much, which is why playing through Zeal made me realize that I was immersed in one of the all-time best games of a generation.


Prague (Sly 2: Band of Thieves, PS2)
Welcome to Prague! It’s snowing, the electric tram is running smoothly, and the mace-wielding wolves are out in full force! Oh, and you’re a turtle. I don’t know much about the real Prague, but the stylized cityscape of out-of-control Gothic architecture into which Sly 2 throws you is so cool that I’m tempted to visit just to tell them what they should be doing. The retro, cell-shaded visuals of the Sly Cooper franchise were never put to better use (in my opinion) than during this sequence, wherein Bentley the turtle must free his friends from a vile prison run by a giant spider. Yeah, playing as Bentley was a drag, but soon enough Sly escaped the prison and the turrets, gables, and spires of Prague became an acrobatic thief’s personal playground. It was drenched in atmosphere, it was challenging, and it poked fun at stereotypical Gothic imagery while also embracing it with love and devotion. Ever wanted to explore a game area for hours just for fun? I loved Prague way too much.


Spire (Myst 4: Revelation, PC/Mac)
How come the Myst franchise gets two entries? Because, that’s why. The fourth game was the last hurrah of pre-rendered gorgeousness (FUCK you again, Myst 5), and the world of Spire alone was worth the price. Imagine if you took a vast cathedral, broke it into chunks, and fused it with a crystalline asteroid orbiting a green sun. Austere, bleak, and beautiful, Spire was intended as a prison, but its sole inhabitant turned the entire world into one huge physics experiment, utilizing its gravity-defying properties to construct an escape plan that makes Prison Break look lame. This resulted in some of the most difficult puzzles in the entire Myst series, but their deviousness made it all the more satisfying when you unlocked Spire’s secrets and gained control of its power yourself. I can think of few video game worlds that I found more unique or visually striking; Spire truly warrants the adjective “phantasmagoric.” Look it up. And then look up Myst 4 (if it even still exists) and lose yourself in the elegant, greenlit abyss of Spire.


Toluca Lake Prison (Silent Hill 2, PS2)
Welcome to hell! If you were expecting fire and brimstone, you’re mistaken; this is a more subtle hell, one which creeps up on you, twisting your idea of reality until you make the leap into gibbering madness. And that’s exactly what Silent Hill 2 does to the poor player, thanks in large part to the Toluca Lake Prison, a dismal, rotting, underground gaol that defies all logic and plunges our hero, James Sunderland, straight into his darkest fears. Why is it so scary? Because the game forces you to journey deeper....and deeper....and deeper....down stairways and elevators and black pits....until you feel you must be in the bowels of the earth. Below the decayed prison is a sinister, half-flooded labyrinth where Pyramid Head lurks. Below that, even more foul holes and catacombs, not to mention murder. The whole world seems to be crumbling around you. Daylight and warmth are but a dream. You are fully submerged in a nightmare, unable to look away. It is the most emotionally draining video game experience I’ve ever had, and whenever I replay SH2, I dread the prison area. But I look forward to it as well, because behind the sheer horror is the type of immersion that very few games can achieve. If there is a hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s like Toluca Lake Prison: quiet, foul, joyless, and so, so lonely.


AND SOME RUNNERS UP!

Looking Glass Land (American McGee’s Alice, PC/Mac)
If only my list went to eleven, I could include a trippy dreamscape from this dark take on Alice in Wonderland. But then the Nostalgia Critic would come beat me up for stealing his gimmick. As it is, I did enjoy Looking Glass Land, with its monochromatic chess kingdoms and warped, mirror-filled insane asylum, quite a bit.
The Milkman Conspiracy (Psychonauts, PS2/Xbox)
Every level in Psychonauts rocks. But I couldn’t justify including two levels from one game, and the luminous beauty of Black Velvetopia won out over the twisted, hilarious, paranoid suburbia depicted in The Milkman Conspiracy. It’s a close second.
Various Areas from Final Fantasy XII (PS2)
I dug a number of the environments from FFXII. Say what you will about the MMORPG-style gameplay, but the folks at Square-Enix still know how to create vivid fantasy landscapes. I don’t think I could pick just one, is the problem. Plus, any area gets boring after you have to spend hours grinding in it -- one of the many reasons I despise MMORPGs. Ultimately, I must praise the FFXII world as a whole, rather than drawing attention to a single locale.
Shiver Star (Kirby 64, N64)
My favorite world in Kirby’s one adventure on the Nintendo 64 was icy-cool, had great music, and featured an evil shopping mall as a level. Few things are more amusing than Kirby in a shopping mall. But is “amusing” good enough? Again, maybe if my list were longer.
Riven (PC/Mac)
Riven is my favorite Myst game and one of my favorite video games ever. So why’d I give slots on this list to two other Myst games? Because Riven’s strengths were its complex and brilliant puzzles, its compelling story, and the way in which the game worked as a whole. Myst 3 and 4 are more episodic with weaker plots, but I don’t find the actual world of Riven to be as beautiful or unique as Amateria or Spire. Its true merit lies elsewhere.

Creepysearch

Boredom and Cracked.com have driven me to do this. In the name of shits and giggles, I’m going to enter ten ordinary, innocuous words or phrases into Google Image Search. Each time, I will scroll through the first few pages of results and pick the creepiest and/or most random picture I find. Because this is a review blog, I promise to include some pop culture in this amusing exercise. Also, although I search with all content filters turned off, I promise not to post anything gory, pornographic, or so disturbing that it’s not funny any more.

Let’s see what weirdness lurks on the internet...

Search #1: “Lemon Drop”

Why? Because lemon drops are among the most boring candy out there. I mean, seriously. They’re tasty and everything if you like lemon, but they’re also so predictable. Lemon drops are old lady candy. They’re what sits in a crystal dish on your grandma’s coffee table, slowly collecting dust. If you tried picking one up, you’d find them fused into a single wad. How could lemon drops ever be creepy?

The Result:



Well, that’s horrifying. It appears to be a 1951 comedy starring Bob Hope, but it looks more like how Psycho would look if Norman Bates and his mom were both played by Richard Simmons. And instead of murdering lovely women, he gives them enemas while old men look on in disapproval. His victims can be seen on the right, assuming the humiliating position.

I looked up the plot summary of this movie: Bob Hope plays a two-bit criminal named the Lemon Drop Kid who gets involved in wacky hijinks. There is apparently one scene where he dresses in drag as an old lady. One scene. Talk about blowing something out of proportion. Literally, in this case.

Search #2: “Postage Stamp”

Why? Because postage stamps surely can’t be scary, can they? I mean, yeah, any image can potentially appear on a stamp, but keep in mind that a letter bearing a stamp could be sent to anyone, including toddlers, the elderly, Mormons, etc. Stamps have to be G-rated. People would complain if they got birthday greetings from Aunt Mafalda and saw, say, Carrie White gaping bloodily up at them from the envelope. Nope, stamps are easy on the eyes...

The Result:



Leave it to the Russians.

Next time you have to mail thank-yous to your relatives for sending you argyle socks and books about knitting for Christmas, enact subtle revenge with this handy stamp. Won’t they chortle to see a maddened, psychotic pirate with a Salvador Dali mustache, clearly in the late stages of scurvy, about to murder two bound captives by the Pyramids of Giza, which are being engulfed in a tidal wave of blood! I found this on Wikipedia; apparently this pleasant gentleman is “bloodthirsty Barmalei,” a character created by Korney Chukovsky, who is one of the most famous Russian children’s poets. With Russian kids being raised on stuff like this, It’s no wonder they ride armored bears and shit.


Search #3: “Gullah Gullah Island”

Why? ’Cause I want to ruin my childhood. I vaguely remember watching this show on Nickelodeon as a kid. This was during the political correctness blitzkrieg of the 1990s when everything marketed for kids had to teach moral lessons and educate us about other cultures. (The Gullah are a subculture of Southern black Americans known for their rich African traditions, in case you weren’t aware, you ignorant WASP.) From what little I recall, the show was all about songs, dancing, and learning good manners.

The Result:



BEHIND YOU! Stop singing about the joy of sharing and LOOK BEHIND YOU!! IT’S GETTING CLOSER!!!

Wow, I’d totally forgotten that Gullah Gullah Island included a costumed mascot named Binyah Binyah Pollywog. If you see see Binyah Binyah, nightmares nightmares follow follow. Now, this little guy wasn’t as scary as some costumed kids’ characters, but still. You’d be enjoying a perfectly ordinary episode with a group of friendly Gullah folks, and suddenly BBP would come lurching into the frame, and you’d wonder what traditional African medicinal plants they’d been smoking. Also, the fact that BBP is so small (by costumed mascot standards) makes him creepier. You can’t trust little guys. They’re sneaky. I went with this picture because that poor lady seems unaware that the stunted yellow frog-thing is behind her, leering at her butt.


Search #4: “Flush”

Why? Well, “flush” can mean the flush of a toilet, or a flush in a card game, or to “flush out” from hiding. Lot of meanings. Plenty of potential for weirdness. Still, there are worse verbs I could have gone with.

The Result:



This is creepy because of its persistence alone. When I Googled “flush,” variations on this device appeared over...and over...and over. It is exactly what it looks like: a toilet that contains an aquarium. Because pooping is more fun when a bunch of guppies are ogling your backne and tramp stamp with their big, unforgiving guppy eyes. Fish voyeurism aside, the hygienic issues of this are appalling. I mean, presumably the aquarium part doesn’t connect to the toilet part, but all you have to do is accidentally hook up some tubes the wrong way, and suddenly your fish are discovering what fish hell is like (it’s like a game of Asteroids where you have no weapon and the asteroids are turds and you’re a fucking fish). Finally, this is the piscine equivalent of the house in Poltergeist that was built atop a graveyard. Sweet dreams, fish!


Search #5: “Dakota Fanning”

Why? Believe it or not, I’m not trying to dig up creepy pedophile photos. That would be too easy. I wanted to do a search on a celebrity name and Dakota Fanning popped into my head for some reason. Can a pretty blonde child actress creep me out? Maybe; after all, Shirley Temple was pretty eerie without even trying. Frighten me, Ms. Fanning!

The Result:

Having a wall of Dakota Fannings smiling at you gets a tad unsettling after a couple minutes, but most of the pics just show her looking happy, maybe wearing a pretty dress or posing on the red carpet. And then there’s this.



“She’s cute and talented...how should we do her photoshoot? I know, let’s make her look like post-fatal-overdose Marilyn Monroe and give her the creepiest old doll we can dig out of the Hammer Horror Studio’s prop warehouse! Also, mustaches!”

These pics tell a little story, don’t they? She starts out looking cute enough, despite that horrifying fucking doll. Then suddenly she gets weirdly quiet...just sitting there in her underwear, regarding you like she’s guessed how you’ll die someday. And then those doll’s eyes lock onto you like malevolent lasers and Dakota opens her mouth, and what comes out isn’t her voice any more.....

PS: Nice use of the Blade Runner font. This must be what Pris looked like before she grew up to be Daryl Hannah!


Search #6: “Play-Doh”

Why? Because, given enough time and enough Play-Doh, a roomful of monkeys could build a scale model of Saint Basil’s Cathedral. Or something; I dunno. My point is that I’m interested to see if Play-Doh was ever used to build anything creepy. Google?

The Result:



Boom! Creepy-ass advertising! Have you noticed how many ads feature tiny objects flying out of people’s sliced-open heads? We’ve almost become desensitized...until they go and do it to pallid little Aryan children. Little Aryan children with the knowing faces of the elderly.

This might have worked if they hadn’t gone with the ever-popular Village of the Damned aesthetic. As it is, little kids may look at this and become convinced that one’s innards are a bunch of brightly colored rainbows and animals and cookies and whatnot, and if you’re not careful, it’ll all fly out through your skull and you’ll become a walking dough-faced corpse. Better stock up on innards by eating as much Play-Doh as you can, kids!


Search #7: “Goo Goo Gah Gah”

Why? I’m continuing on the theme of small children, and now going even smaller. This is archetypal baby talk, the accepted onomatopoeia for what those little womb-gnomes sound like before they learn how to talk like Mommy and Daddy. It’s really cute; therefore it can totally be twisted around into creepy land.

The Result:



Here we see the Care Bear Hive Queen, surrounded by her newborn offspring. If you look closely, you can spot the Hive Queen’s latest meal vanishing down her craw, its pleading eyes reflecting the horror of still being conscious while your lower body turns to sludge in the corrosive acid of an unholy gullet.

“That’s not creepy!” you will say. “That’s cute!” And you’re absolutely right, it’s cute...on the surface. But look deeper. Experience suggests that when you’re a baby, one toy is much like another. This baby would have been just as happy playing with a bunch of empty Kleenex boxes. It was the parents who decided that their baby had to have every single Care Bear plus a big bloated Care Bear costume with great white shark eyes. That says to me that this baby’s parents have issues. I’m sure they’re already looking for a back-alley tattooist who’ll imprint a little rainbow on a four-month-old’s abdomen.


Search #8: “Guinea Pig”

Why? ’Cause I want to include an animal, and guinea pigs are about the most hapless creature I can think of. We experiment on guinea pigs. In some places, we eat them. Even when kept as beloved pets, they just sit there quivering and pooping. Of all the pets I’ve tried having, they were the lamest and (accordingly) the least long-term. I cannot picture a scary guinea pig. Can you? Don’t answer that question.

The Result:



Oh, come on! Seriously, what the fuck. There is no reason ANY WOMAN would want to stick this in their hair. Is there? Don’t answer that question.

I mean, I suppose you could make something pretty out of guinea pig fur, but only if you leave off any recognizable limbs or gnashing mandibles. This is freaking Resident Evil shit. This is the moment when the boss splits in half and the second stage of the boss battle begins, the part where it can climb around on walls and spit acid. And you’re all out of green herbs.

PS: Judging by its expression and pose, do you think the poor little bastard was still alive when they turned half of it into a comb? DON’T ANSWER THAT QUESTION.


Search #9: “Montana”

Why? Because Montana’s one of those states I know jack-all about. Dude, I’m from New England; anyplace west of the Mississippi and east of LA barely registers. Montana is, um...big....and has hills and air and stuff. Right? Time to educate myself, I guess.

The Result:

Wow, this search netted more pics of Hannah Montana than of the actual state. That’s depressing. Pretty lame pickings overall: just that Cyrus whore and some lovely vistas. But I did find this picture of a creepy plant!



I guess it’s one of those bug-eating plants, but with its dense tangle of bloodstained gooey tendrils, it could totally be an H.P. Lovecraft monstrosity at which you go insane just by looking. For full effect, imagine a screaming little man in a pith helmet at the bottom of the image. Now I can go to Montana and ask, “So, where do I find the flesh-melting crimson madnessflowers?”


Search #10: “Shrivel Egg Pie”

Why? Because it’s three random words that don’t make much sense when combined. I want to see if Google can give me anything at all from these three words in that particular order. Maybe shrivel egg pie is a delicacy in some parts of the world! I can’t wait to find out!

The Result:



Dear viewer, I proudly present a cabbage carved to resemble a skull. Why? I don’t have a fucking clue, and it’s wonderful. This comes from a blog apparently devoted to things shaped like skulls (Link). Not only that, but you can view multiple images of this horror as it slowly wilts and decomposes, its gaping eyeholes peering deeper and deeper into the part of your soul where the dark putrid secrets lie waiting. Fear the gaze. And give thanks for the internet, a place where I can type the words “shrivel egg pie” into a search engine and discover a blog for people who love surrounding themselves with subliminal reminders of their mortality. And nightmare fuel.

Speaking of which, it’s late and I should get to bed. And not sleep, ever. Thanks, Creepysearch!

The Fall

Tarsem Singh’s The Fall is a movie made by an ego, the ego of a man who knows exactly what movie he wants to make, is willing to pay for it out of his own pocket, and isn’t all that concerned with what people think of it. It is absolutely and completely a vanity project. You may hear it billed as a “period piece” or a “fantasy film” but it doesn’t really have a genre beyond...well, maybe “Tarsem film” should count as a genre. There certainly aren’t any films quite like the few made by Tarsem Singh, for better or for worse. If you can set aside your preconceptions of what a film should be about, if you can ignore everything that conventional films have infused in your mind, perhaps you can enjoy The Fall, or at least appreciate its artistry. For me, well, it was a rare film that I was happy to be irritated by.

If you know Tarsem Singh, it’s likely from Nike and Coke ads or music videos (he made the vid for “Losing My Religion”). Otherwise, perhaps you’ve seen 2000’s The Cell, a thriller in which Jennifer Lopez ventured into the brain of a serial killer. The Cell was trashed by most critics, partly because the plot blatantly copies Silence of the Lambs and partly because there’s a list somewhere of actors who must be ridiculed, and Jennifer Lopez is on it. But the backlash had a backlash; The Cell has plenty of fans (myself included) who appreciate it for its amazing special effects, which beautifully evoke the dreamlike realm inside a mind. It teased us with sumptuous images, and now we have The Fall, which takes the dream to a new, deeper level (cue the musical chord from Inception: BWWWWAAMMMMPPH.) This is a film that combines fable and myth, tall tales and silent filmmaking and the context of World War I; it’s a story about stories and those who make them. Anyone can tell a story, with words or their voice or just their imagination. The Fall is about that, and, just as importantly, about the reasons why we tell stories in the first place.

There are two storytellers portrayed in the film. One, played by Lee Pace, is a silent movie stuntman named Roy. The other, played by Catinca Untaru, is a six-year-old Romanian immigrant named Alexandria. Both are in a hospital in 1920s Los Angeles. Both were injured by falling, for very different reasons. Alexandria is friendly, chipper, and curious, wandering the hospital with her arm in an awkward cast. Roy has a charm and easygoing nature that masks deep and bitter wounds; he wants to kill himself with a drug overdose, and enlists the little girl as an unwitting accomplice. To ensure her cooperation, be begins to tell her a story -- a story about a deadly bandit (played significantly by Pace again), an Indian, an escaped slave, an Italian explosives expert, an aboriginal mystic, and Charles Darwin, all of whom unite to conquer an vile ruler named Governor Odious. There’s also a princess in distress who looks an awful lot like Roy’s unfaithful girlfriend. Roy weaves the story from threads of his own bitterness, but Alexandria is not the type to get bogged down by angst, and so the story, as we see it, also receives input from her own, innocent mind. Roy in his anger doesn’t stand a chance against cute little Alexandria and her clear vision.



As Roy talespins and both of them envision, we see the heroes of the tale pass through amazing, surreal landscapes, buildings, and dream-spaces. During filming, Tarsem took his production all over the world, looking for real locations that invoke the logic of the subconscious. He also claims that this film was made with no computer-assisted special effects at all. Instead, he turns back time and uses the classic special effects of the early days of cinema, and by God, they still work. The Fall is best when it’s simply lingering on its images. We see the wild-eyed mystic crawl from a burning tree, and later, a map magically appears on his body like a tattoo. We watch as the adventurers descend into a barren, rocky crevasse that unfolds like a magic puzzlebox into a lush, fertile Eden. There is an incredible shot in which a close-up of a man’s face dissolves into an identical landscape in which distant figures and mountains recreate his features. When a corpse is wrapped in a vast hanging shroud, its blood slowly and impossibly stains the entire cloth. These sequences move with a sedate pace, accompanied by echoing orchestral music. Even the action scenes crawl along, taking their sweet time as the heroes do battle with Odious’s guards, whose hideous black armor is inspired by a leather-clad X-ray technician glimpsed by Alexandria in the hospital. This is the work of someone who loves the very act of filmmaking and is not content to compromise his visions as per the demands of some Hollywood studio that can’t see beyond box office gross.

In other words, this is not an easy film to watch and it’s a perfectly easy film to hate. I’m not so pretentious that I’m going to arrogantly dismiss criticism of The Fall for being “lowbrow” or missing the point. The only real point is that Tarsem made a movie that will appeal to a small audience and will likely turn off the majority of the moviegoing public. And that’s okay. I freely admit that I got annoyed by the film’s molasses-like pacing and arch tone after awhile. The storytelling sequences ultimately grow dreary and repetitive. What remains alive is the relationship between the two storytellers and the vitality of their characters. Roy doesn’t think he wants to live, but his self-pity can’t hide his goodness, and Lee Pace plays him as an easily likable man who we’re eager to slap some sense into. Little Catinca Untaru doesn’t “act” in the traditional sense but plays exactly what she is in real life: a smart, no-nonsense little girl who doesn’t know much English but is ready to learn. It’s charming and utterly believable when she gets tangled up in her own sentences; I’ll take her heavily-accented mumbling over any blue-eyed, pearly-toothed child star delivering snappy dialogue like a pro. Both of them convince us that they’re real people, which proves the perfect antidote to the heavily stylized majesty of Roy’s story. By the end, both of them are engaged in a battle of imagination and will, and we pray that the story will end the way Alexandria wants it to, because someone needs to pull Roy out of his funk, dammit!



So, there we have it. The Fall is a vain movie, a highbrow movie, often a tiresome movie. But Tarsem wanted to make it his own way, and he did. It refuses to compromise or pander, it avoids cliché, and the ending sidesteps “they lived happily ever after” in favor of, simply... “they lived.” If you can make it to the end, the closing scenes are well worth it, bringing the movie’s themes together beautifully. Even if you can’t bear the thought of seeing The Fall more than once, do see it that once, just so you can see the work of a true maker of movies. Not a director, a maker of movies. Like Terence Malick or Quentin Tarantino or Stanley Kubrick, Tarsem Singh wants you to check your expectations at the ticket booth and just sit there and look. Look at what it’s possible to put on film. Look at how a story can be told to those for whom stories still matter.

Favorite Games of 2010

2010 was the “Indie Year” for me. A few rather crucial things happened for me in 2010: I got a fancy new computer, my rural home finally got internet access beyond fucking dial-up, and (perhaps most crucial to this list) Steam became Mac-compatible. Yeah, I’m a Mac user, and I enjoy the type of games you’d expect a Mac user to enjoy; namely, indie arthouse games. In fact, none of the games on this list are console-exclusive. Deal with it. What’s important to me is that new avenues of gaming have opened up, and I couldn’t be happier. Sooooo, here are my favorite games of the year!

DANG-BLASTED’S TOP GAMES OF 2010!


Braid (PC/Mac/Xbox/PS3)
I know I’m a little late jumping on the Braid bandwagon, but better late than never! God, this game is good. Pretentious, but good. If you can put up with the somewhat high-minded aesthetic and overly open-ended story, you get an incredible puzzle-platformer, devious and evil in its very simplicity. This is a game that takes the skeleton, the basic architecture, of platforming and subverts it in one innovative way after another, first by giving you the power to rewind your own death, then by handing you a series of time-manipulation powers that turn the puzzles into intricate little ballets of patience and precision. What’s so wonderfully sadistic about Braid is that most of the puzzles are quite easy to complete; it’s figuring the damned things out that keeps you up all night. Playing Braid makes you feel smarter. Factor in the gorgeous, moving-watercolor graphics, the haunting music, and the hilarious/brilliant shout-outs to genre classics (is that...Donkey Kong?!), and you have a game that celebrates the old while ushering in the new. To translate that to non-pretentious-artfag-speak, OMG THIS GAME FUCKIN ROCKS DUDE.


The Dig (PC/Mac)
Speaking of old-school gaming, I have a bit of a boner for point-and-click adventure games, some of which can be found on Steam. I was blown over backwards by The Dig, a 1995 sci-fi extravaganza from LucasArts, back when LucasArts was all about making fun games and less about kneeling to suck George Lucas’s pruney pink lightsaber. I love pre-rendered environments and this game delivers an orgasmic eyeful when three human astronauts are mysteriously transported to a bizarre, dreamlike alien world covered in ornate crystal structures, trippy geometry, and marvelous alien technology that naturally still works. The world portrayed in The Dig is genuinely beautiful, and the designers put real effort into envisioning an alien environment, and aliens, that aren’t like anything you’ve seen before. Few games can capture the wonder of simple exploration, but this is one of them. Now, it’s far from perfect -- the crude animated cutscenes are pretty pitiful and it does occasionally enter the dreaded “madly-click-on-everything-until-something-works” territory. But if you’re playing it in the first place, you can deal with the shittier aspects of point-and-click gaming and simply bask in the glory of its atmosphere.


Ice Breaker (Free Online)
I hate this damn game. I hate it because I love it and it’s the most addictive thing I played all year. I may have tried it once or twice in the past, but this was the year I actually paid serious attention, and before I knew it, I was up all night saving those damn little vikings. If you don’t know, this is a simple physics puzzler, available for free online, in which you have to rescue vikings by making strategic cuts in the ice that imprisons them. Now, all physics puzzlers are pure evil, and this one takes addictive, hair-tearing mania to new heights. In addition to breaking ice, you have to cut ropes, kill trolls, manipulate birds and ramps and boulders, deflate fat ladies (don’t ask), and generally try everything before you find the solution, and the game’s physics are so finicky that even the “correct” method may take multiple attempts before it works right. It’s torture, and yet you can’t....fucking....stop. Because, damn and fuck it all to hell, it is so much fun to rescue those little vikings with their cute little beards. You hold your breath and bite your nails, hoping they’ll land in their little boat, and when they do......bliss. Until the next puzzle, and the next, and the next. Ice Breaker is the gaming equivalent of crack. Beware.


Machinarium (PC/Mac)
Point-and-click odyssey number two! This one is not retro, but brand spanking new, and also amazing. Machinarium is set in a world inhabited entirely by robots, a quirky and vivid metropolis of metal, oil, and rust whose residents communicate their problems in adorable little thought bubbles. It is here that our charismatic robot protagonist must save his girlfriend and foil a terrorist plot by -- what else? -- exploring, interacting with the environment, and picking up random items, each of which has Exactly One Use. So, standard adventure game, but presented in such an innovative and lovable way! Again, the art design and music make the game quite gorgeous, and the puzzles are usually pretty brilliant in how they fit together. There’s a handy hint system, but (in a stroke of genius) you must play an annoying little arcade game to access it. Oh, yeah, Machinarium makes you work your brainbox no matter what, and you learn to pay close attention to detail -- which is good, because this strange, monochromatic junkyard universe never loses its fascination or appeal. I am SO ready for whatever the makers, Amanita Design, create next.


Plants vs. Zombies (PC/Mac/Xbox)
And thus we come to Plants vs. Zombies, which I began playing at the start of 2010 and have been playing on and off ever since. Tower defense games have never interested me that much, but this one is an all-time winner on every front. The zombie hordes are coming and you must defend your cozy little suburban home by choosing from a massive collection of flora, each of which helps defeat the undead in its own way. You’ve got your offensive plants (peashooters, spore-spewing mushrooms, cabbagepults...), your defensive plants (wall-nuts, spikeweed, potato mines...), your explosive plants (cherry bombs, chili peppers...) and so forth. It’s a race against time, and you’d best be using your brains because they’re what’s on the zombie menu. This game is colorful, cartoony, cheerful, and utterly hilarious at every turn, especially when the zombie dolphins pop up and the watermelons start flying thick and fast. Not only is the campaign mode great, but you gradually unlock a wealth of mini-games, puzzles, easter eggs, and a “zen garden” where you can grow and raise your own plants, stress-free. Plants vs. Zombies has so much replay value that you basically get your money back for buying it, and it is just wonderful....so, so wonderful. I’m sick of the zombie fad, but I’ll never be sick of zombies as long as I can drop giant squash on them.